Michelle's Story

a little about me:

born and raised :: 1981 in lansing, mi
most random move :: relocated to chicago in 2002 when i was 20 years old
awesome life event :: married a cool dude, july 24th, 2004
2nd most random move :: idaho in 2006 (home sweet home)
hobbies :: playing the piano, creating art, dancing in my living room, eating cheese
favorite food (besides cheese) :: mashed potatoes and gravy, sushi, swedish fish
best job ever :: current (photographer)
song of the moment :: breathe in - paloalto
favorite holiday :: christmas
current book i'm reading :: not a fan by kyle idleman
family awesomeness :: tim (rad husband), eden (hilarious daughter), buckley (black lab/great dane), benny (chihuahua), bandit (kitty)

my story:

i have been through a handful of moments in my life that have rocked my world and changed the way i thought (and planned) life to happen. some events have been spectacular and others have been devastating. one experience in particular, changed the way i viewed everything; the way i viewed myself, my faith, my path, my existence. her name was lyla, and here is how we met:

in the fall of 2006, i learned i was pregnant.
on thursday, january 25th of 2007, my world, as i knew it, was flipped upside-down. i had my first ultrasound that day. we learned we were having a little girl. we also learned she had anencephaly, a terminal disease which caused her to be missing the majority of her brain - something that was not compatible with life. they told us she would not live long after birth - maybe minutes, but might not make it that far.

my heart broke.
i wept.
what a day.
on that day, the day i learned my unborn baby was broken, the doctors strongly suggested i terminate the pregnancy. to be honest, i wasn't sure what to do.
i went home to my in laws house (where we were living), went to the basement and fell to the floor.
weeping.
...for my sick little girl.
...for the moments we would never share together.
...for my broken heart.

for a moment, i thought terminating the pregnancy might make the pain go away quickly.

the next day, i went to our church.
still thinking i might terminate the pregnancy, i prayed.
...for wisdom.
...for strength.
...for hope.
at the end of the service, our friend brought us up for prayer with a woman (now a dear friend), named lydia. after our situation was explained, lydia looked at me and said, "what is your daughter's name?" i looked at her with tears in my eyes and whispered, "well, if she would have been normal, we would have named her lyla." without hesitation, lydia smiled and said, "i'll be praying for lyla every day."

i took a deep breath. the first deep breath i'd taken in what felt like days.
lyla
she was still our little girl.
created in His image.
loved by God.
and loved by me.
terminating the pregnancy was no longer an option.
the letters and cards and flowers and prayers came in.
a sea of friends and people we didn't know showed their love and support.
i talked with God a ton during the remaining 5 months of the pregnancy.
i yelled in anger at Him.
i cried out.
i pleaded.
i asked a million questions.
i listened.
i came to Him - broken
and rested in his arms.

God, through lyla, made me realize how precious and fragile life can be.
i learned to cherish every moment and to appreciate the people in my life.
i learned that tragedies can bring families closer in ways that i have only prayed for.
i learned that God loves me and is always there to carry me when i can’t even lift my face off the floor.
God, through lyla, showed me that miracles still happen and they aren’t always what one might expect a miracle to be. His miracles are forgiveness and joy amidst anguish, laughter amidst tears, and the miracle of life - if only for a moment - when others expected none.

on june 20th of 2007 at 1:27am, i gave birth to a beautiful little girl, lyla grace.
her heart was slowly beating - as if just enough to say a quick hello.
i clutched her in my arms
caressed her cheeks
held her little hands
kissed her tiny toes
and listened to her heartbeat slowly tiring.
after 23 minutes of feeling every emotion imaginable, i listened as her small heartbeat slowed to a stop.
and she was gone.

such a sad ending that would be if my story stopped there.
i went home - childless and heartbroken.
tired.
defeated.


but there was hope.
hope in knowing lyla was safe in the arms of Jesus.
hope that God would heal my broken heart - as He promises.
hope in a future with another child.
hope that life would again be filled with joy and laughter.
hope in knowing that this tragedy would somehow be used for good.

although i still grieve the loss of our daughter and always will, God has followed through with His promises of hope.

now, we have an amazingly special daughter named eden grace.
she is my delight.
there is much laughter and joy in our home.
my heart has slowly been healed and filled with peace.

my heart has also been filled with a longing for the children in africa.

the orphans.
the ones who have been forgotten.
the sick.
the hungry.
the hopeless.

my heart longs to love on these children.
let them know that they are not forgotten.
that they are loved.
that the creator of the universe knows their name.

to tell them that hope will arise.                                       

as it did for me.