There is no Fear in Love

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.

The Lord has given me a new song and I will try to "sing" a little bit of it now...

When Michael died I lost the only man on Earth I had ever allowed to love, protect and provide for me. I lost the only person I had ever shown my whole self to - the good and the bad. I lost the person who I could stand in front of with nothing to fear, nothing to hide and he loved me. I lost the person I dared to dream with - the person who saw so much more in me than I could imagine. I lost someone who was part of me. 

I did not curse God in my pain, I cried out to Him. I proclaimed His faithfulness in my raging storm and clung to His words for life. I believed in my darkest night for the more I could not see or feel. And He, in return, cocooned me in His love while He started a transformation.

This past January I had several break throughs. The first being that as I talked with a couple different people, I noticed a common thread of isolation. My advice was summed up in these statements, "What do we have to fear in being seen, if the maker of heaven and Earth can see us, why shouldn't others? Do we think our struggles or our sin is more holy than theirs? If you are not being intimate with people then you are not intimately walking with God." As I heard myself give this advice it pounded in my ears and broke my heart. I started to realize how isolated I had become since Michael passed away. We were made for relationship with God and relationship with one another; the two are intrinsically connected. I had plenty of people the girls and I were around but barely any that I let really touch and see my whole self. If we can't be real with the people sitting in front of us, then we, I believe, are not being real with our creator whom we can't even see.

1 John 1:5-10 says: This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

Please do not misunderstand me I do not think we should generally go around spilling our hearts to every "joe" we come into contact with. But when we are able to step into the light in areas of struggle with other believers (whom can be trusted) we gain an immeasurable amount of understanding on how God views and loves us. When we can see someone physically in front of us not judging or condemning us within our struggle, it is then that we truly start to understand what it means to step into the light of God's presence. Like 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." Often, I have found, when we allow walls to come down in our relationships with others, we allow walls to come down in our relationship with our Creator. Then He can in return heal, restore and redeem things that have been lost. When we truly step into the light, freedom comes and the process of being made new is no longer stunted. Another result of stepping into the light is that we gain boldness and doubt is dispelled which makes prayer ineffective (Matt 21:21, Mark 9:24, James 1:5-7, Heb 11:6).

The following is a journal entry that I wrote this past June:
Yesterday I would have been married nine years. "Would have" those words seem to echo as I write. People say to move into your pain, not to resist. How can I resist what runs within my viens. You are the only one Lord who sees beyond my exterior, my smiles, my actions, my comments. You are the only one who sees, who doesn't get the half truths, the short version of what's inside. Will I be alone the rest of my life?

Somehow during the course of the last couple of years I had let the lie seep in that I would have to wait until heaven to have fellowship like I did when Michael was alive. As it says in Proverbs 13:12, Hope differed makes the heart sick. My heart had become sick in the pain of Michael dying, in watching my girls suffer and endure life without their Dad. In January I started really allowing people into our lives. Yes, this can be scary because people are imperfect and can hurt you but what can be gained is of immeasurable value. The process of letting people into our crazy little worlds is messy, brings up issues and is hardly ever comfortable. Proverbs 27:17 says "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" and it hurts to be sharpened. So often I have felt comfortable "loving" people from an arms length. I'm fine with helping them but if they want to come into our world that's another story. My flesh screams to pull back, run away and not give in. When I've stopped people from coming into our lives in essence I am stopping God, putting limits on how he can work. I have been continually humbled lately by this concept, I can not fully give if I can not fully receive and vice versa. Now thank Him for his patience with me, his faithfulness while I scramble around trying to make sense of things instead of resting and trusting His provision. So often I have been more concerned with protecting our hearts instead of trusting our hearts to Him. More concerned with protecting myself instead of stepping into the light and allowing God to build true fellowship with the people in our lives.

Jesus came to give life, the abundant life. No one is meant to be alone. There is hope, there is love and I have faith. Through His mercy unimaginable good will be accomplished and beauty is and will continue to come from the ashes. When we walk within God's love, we can not help but love others.

To my brothers and sisters in Christ: thank you for listening to me spill out my heart, for letting me get tears and snot all over you while I've cried, for standing beside me as I've mothered my precious girls. Thank you for cheering me on and speaking life into my being. Thank you for hoping when I could not, crying when my tears had run out, embracing me this redeemed mess and casting vision into our suffering. Thank you for your prayers, and for your practical help. I have passed from death to life because of love. (1 John 3:14)

Bring Love In

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18

This verse speaks to my heart - as I know it speaks to Renee's.
To me (and I'm sure Renee would agree) it means:

go
do something
love on orphans
stepping out of my comfort zone
being thankful for what I have and the fact that I am NOT an orphan
snuggling my kiddo often
being change
loving others with passion
making a difference
making a dent
sharing the love I have been given and blessed by with others

Yes, Renee and I have decided to journey to Africa together. However, that certainly doesn't mean we have the whole trip planned out and scheduled - ready to go. It's a work in progress. We just knew God was calling us both there and we felt we should go together.

That being said, I have been praying that God would open doors and show us where we should go in Africa. That he would provide a way to love on the children and use our photography to help bring awareness to all of the amazing (and sadly the tragic) things that are happening there. I have been praying that whatever we end up doing there and whoever we end up working with would be right. Does that make sense? I want it to be a well thought out trip - not just some random visit to Africa. I am praying that it would have great meaning to both Renee and myself. I'm praying that it would stretch us and teach us and break us. I am praying that it wouldn't be some fleeting moment of a trip - that it would be continual, even after we arrive home. That we would be able to share our hearts with whomever we come across in Africa. Praying that God would use us and that we would be open to him using us in ways where we feel strong, but also in ways we feel weak. You get me? In any case, I've been praying.

Recently, I finished reading a book called No Greater Love by Levi Benkert. It's a story about a husband and wife that felt God calling them to do something greater than themselves. Here's the jist:

"Levi Benkert was playing with his children in the park when he received an urgent phone call from a friend asking him to drop everything and fly to Ethiopia to help organize a rescue orphanage for children destined to be murdered as part of a tribal superstition known as "mingi killings." Moved by his friend's story, Levi packed his bags and left for what he thought would be a short two-week trip. But upon meeting the children, Levi knew there was no turning back. Six weeks later, Levi, his wife, Jessie, and their three young children sold their home and all their belongings and relocated to Ethiopia indefinitely.

No Greater Love documents Levi's journey-from the challenges he faced establishing and running the orphanage to finding adoptive homes for the children."

Towards the end of the book, Levi (the author) talks about the organization/community they created in Ethiopia called Bring Love In. I wanted to know more, so I searched for their blog and found Bring Love In here. 

From Levi and his wife, Jessie:

"Bring Love In is a community (not just an organization) that exists to show the love of God by giving families to children who have none. We are based out of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia where we couple orphans and widows from within local Christian church communities, to create new forever families here in Ethiopia.

Bring Love In is passionate about creating new families, not just temporary families, but real, lasting, permanent families from orphans that we get from the overcrowded government orphanages in Ethiopia. We place them in a new family led by a widow who would otherwise not have anything herself.

We are not just creating new families, but families that raise up future leaders for Ethiopia. Leaders who will stop the cycle that created the orphan crisis in the first place."

The gist? Uniting widows and orphans to create new, forever families in Ethiopia. When I read this I thought, how beautiful! What an amazing thing to do! It brought tears to my eyes, to think that these sweet children no longer had to live in orphanages, but were being brought into a new family.  A FAMILY. I have one of those...and it means SO MUCH to me. I can't imagine what it means to these sweet orphans.

While reading the Bring Love In blog, I also came across this video, which of course, brought me to tears. Again. I get teary easily in my old age :)

My heart lept out of my chest. This was it! This is what I had been praying for.

Renee and I send videos, music, quotes to each other and exchange emails on a regular basis. I sent this particular video to her and without mentioning much, asked her to let me know what she thought. I waited and hoped it would speak to her as loudly as it spoke to me.

It did.

I contacted Levi and let him know a little bit of our story, our hope, and our hearts. I asked if it would be a possibility to travel there in 2013 and work with them (in whatever ways needed), love on orphans, meet widows, and take photographs. Fingers crossed, I hoped and prayed he would write back.

He did.

...yes, we'd love to have you. 
...let us know your travel plans.

And so it begins...


- Michelle

Our Red Threads

It's been my turn to share on here for a while now. Michelle has been patiently waiting and sweetly encouraging me to write again so here it goes..... Last week we got together for a little powwow about our trip to Africa, have I mentioned how much I love her? Our relationship is covered in the Lord's goodness. I don't even just mean covered, I mean drenched in His goodness. 

The first night Michelle and I met was in fall 2006. Thinking back on that time feels like it was a lifetime ago, we were different people then. 
I can remember my excitement when we found out she was pregnant, how fun to have a new friend who would also have a small baby at the same time as me. I remember the day she found out Lyla wouldn't live, we all sat at my parents table, without any words, as the pain enveloped her and Tim's broken hearts. I remember holding my healthy newborn baby weeping, crying out to God for healing, for a miracle, for anything but this to happen. I remember rubbing my hand over Lyla's small casket after it was finished being made. I remember seeing Michelle as she greeted family and friends at her baby's funeral. I remember weeping in her arms and feeling strength beyond measure holding her together. I would have never guessed that only a few years later I would be lying on her couch waiting while people at the morgue prepared my husband's body for viewing. 

Sometimes the hardest circumstances can bond two people together in a way only God understands. Only He can make something beautiful grow from immeasurable pain. That is the exact nature of our friendship and Africa is just another chapter in it. 

The day before I realized Michelle and I both share a common pull towards the children there, I was at the library with my daughters. My oldest daughter picked up a book displayed on the shelf and asked me to read it out-loud. I opened the first page and read "An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread may stretch or tangle, but never break."  My eyes filled with tears as I continued to read the story about a king and queen who lived in a beautiful city, had everything they could ever want, yet they each had this increasing ache/pain in their hearts. Doctors and wise men came from all over the kingdom trying to find a cure but none could be found. Then one day a peddler comes to the castle, he gives them red spectacles to look through, it reveals an invisible red thread coming out of their hearts, tangled in every direction all over the castle. They know the only way to find the cure is to follow it, so they pack their bags and go on a journey. Finally they find where the thread leads, they enter a small hut in a village far away from their home and find a baby. They ask who the child belongs to and as you can guess the answer is, she is yours. 

I can't understand this pull Michelle and I are both experiencing any more than I can explain the beauty in the way our lives have become tied together. I only know they are both gifts from God. My prayer today is that we would more deeply embrace this tug on our hearts and have the wisdom to discern where to go from here.

<3 Renee 

Africa

My dear friend (and photographer) Amy had the awesome opportunity to travel to Rwanda, Africa this past April to visit the Asante Children's Choir and the surrounding villages. I wanted so badly to be there with her! After she arrived home, she called me and asked if I would put together a slide show using the pictures she took while she was there. Of course I jumped at the chance. Putting the slideshow together was such a gift to me...an honor and a blessing. It felt like a tiny piece of me got to be in Africa - with those children - through her photos. It also made me laugh...God sure knows my heart. Of all the people Amy could have asked to put this slideshow together - God put it on her heart to ask me. AWESOME.

-Michelle

The Hamburgler

Michelle and I are going to be taking turns sharing on the blog. Here's what I came up with and it's not irrelevant despite the seemingly misplaced title and picture:) -Renee


I lived in low income apartments in EL Cajon, Ca for the first 10 years of my life. Even now, I can remember the familiar sounds during the night; the steady hum from cars passing on Broadway, the neighbors fighting, and the homeless rummaging through dumpsters.  There are some memories that have grown with me, no matter how much time passes. I can still recall them as clearly as when I first had the experience. 


As a child, I was what some refer to as an old soul. I spent a great deal of time observing others and storing up information. Well, despite the fact that I was awakened to certain harsh realities at a young age, and could reason facts over fantasy, I was, to my great shame, deeply afraid of the Hamburglar. For those of you unfamiliar with him, he was a McDonald's advertising character predominantly occupied with the burgling of hamburgers. I knew he wasn't real and that there wasn't any possible way he could magically appear in our apartment. I also wasn't particularly fond of hamburgers which I suppose could lead to a certain apprehension to a burger snatcher, but, never the less, the fear was planted within me. If I woke up during the night to go to the bathroom I would envision him hiding behind the shower curtain.... waiting. I have found that even in my adult life, fear waits. The subject or situation of fright has changed but it's true validity remains the same. 


When Michelle asked me how I felt about being away from my daughters to go to Africa I said, "Leaving the girls is always hard. The thought of something happening and them having to live without me is unbearable to think.... but I know that I am not their life source, Jesus is. I want my actions to reflect that conviction. So, if after I pray I sense God leading me to go, then I will." When my husband died I learned how fragile our lives on Earth are. I know what happens within, when you see your love getting ready for work and then the next you are viewing his lifeless body. Every time I leave for a photography job, fly away on a plane, or even go out with friends, I pray that the Lord will extend my life so that I may continue to raise my daughters. I also pray that fear will not control the course of my life on Earth. 


Whether I'm scared of physical pain, financial loss, losing someone I love again, or my own death, the worry dispels when I spend time at Jesus' feet. Please be praying for me during this time, that I will walk in the way that Christ leads.


"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7)

The Beginning

Meet...Us.

Moms, foodies, lovers of all things Pinterest, dancing machines, friends, and photographers.

I'm on left and that makes Renee on the right.

This is our very first photo session together. We thought, in honor of our new blog we should take some pictures. Should be easy, right? Right?!?

We may or may not have color coordinated for this mini session. I wore neutrals and Renee went with earthy and bright.

I'll have you know that even though we are both professional photographers, we share an almost equal amount of uncomfortableness being in front of the camera (I'd say myself more than her).

I'll also have you know that this here session was photographed by Renee's 7 year old and 5 year old daughters. Talent runs deep in that family.

Needless to say, most of our photos seemed to turn out something along the lines of what's pictured above. I'm just glad we had a 7 year old behind the camera. A pro might think to themselves, "What is wrong with these women???" It's ok, though. It's who we are. 

Renee and I met in 2006, but really became closer friends in 2007. She comforted me during one of my saddest moments in life and I did the same for her. I think we share, what I like to call, a tragedy bond. Not the happiest types of bond, I know. But we understand each other - in a peculiar sort of way that not all people do or can. For example: we both know it's ok to laugh with each other one minute and seconds later break into a full fledged cry fest if needed. It doesn't happen as much these days, but when it does, it's no biggie. 

I'm really not sure what to say about this next photo. It certainly wasn't planned and I almost feel like I should apologize for it's randomness. And also, we've got some sweet moves, wouldn't you agree?

 Ahhhh..would you just look at us? Unable to look directly into the camera - even though behind the lens sits a sweet little 7 year old? During this session, Renee and I both commented, "Oh my - the things we ask our clients to do!!" It was tough, you guys - I'm not going to lie.

What's the point of this blog - you might ask? Well, as you may or may not know, Renee and I both share a love for the children of Africa. Recently, we were chatting over sushi and one of us mentioned the idea of travelling to Africa...TOGETHER. We both almost jumped out of our chairs in excitement at the thought. We prayed in the parking lot and talked about it with close family and friends over the next couple days. We felt like God was shouting, "Yes!! Go to Africa together!!" and so it began. We decided to start this blog to document our journey and keep our friends and family informed of this crazy commitment we have made; our prayers, our thoughts, our hopes, our fears, our anticipation - all leading up to our departure (and beyond). We pray (and ask for you to pray) that we would have open hearts for what God wants to reveal to us on this journey - that we would learn and grow and be stretched. We plan to travel to Africa with open arms for the children and we desire that the love of Christ would shine through us, bringing a smile to their faces, joy to their hearts and hope to those that have none.

Well, this is us - nice to meet you.

For more about Renee, click here.

For more about Michelle, click here.