he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
The Lord has given me a new song and I will try to "sing" a little bit of it now...
When Michael died I lost the only man on Earth I had ever allowed to love, protect and provide for me. I lost the only person I had ever shown my whole self to - the good and the bad. I lost the person who I could stand in front of with nothing to fear, nothing to hide and he loved me. I lost the person I dared to dream with - the person who saw so much more in me than I could imagine. I lost someone who was part of me.
I did not curse God in my pain, I cried out to Him. I proclaimed His faithfulness in my raging storm and clung to His words for life. I believed in my darkest night for the more I could not see or feel. And He, in return, cocooned me in His love while He started a transformation.
This past January I had several break throughs. The first being that as I talked with a couple different people, I noticed a common thread of isolation. My advice was summed up in these statements, "What do we have to fear in being seen, if the maker of heaven and Earth can see us, why shouldn't others? Do we think our struggles or our sin is more holy than theirs? If you are not being intimate with people then you are not intimately walking with God." As I heard myself give this advice it pounded in my ears and broke my heart. I started to realize how isolated I had become since Michael passed away. We were made for relationship with God and relationship with one another; the two are intrinsically connected. I had plenty of people the girls and I were around but barely any that I let really touch and see my whole self. If we can't be real with the people sitting in front of us, then we, I believe, are not being real with our creator whom we can't even see.
1 John 1:5-10 says: This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.
Please do not misunderstand me I do not think we should generally go around spilling our hearts to every "joe" we come into contact with. But when we are able to step into the light in areas of struggle with other believers (whom can be trusted) we gain an immeasurable amount of understanding on how God views and loves us. When we can see someone physically in front of us not judging or condemning us within our struggle, it is then that we truly start to understand what it means to step into the light of God's presence. Like 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." Often, I have found, when we allow walls to come down in our relationships with others, we allow walls to come down in our relationship with our Creator. Then He can in return heal, restore and redeem things that have been lost. When we truly step into the light, freedom comes and the process of being made new is no longer stunted. Another result of stepping into the light is that we gain boldness and doubt is dispelled which makes prayer ineffective (Matt 21:21, Mark 9:24, James 1:5-7, Heb 11:6).
The following is a journal entry that I wrote this past June:
Yesterday I would have been married nine years. "Would have" those words seem to echo as I write. People say to move into your pain, not to resist. How can I resist what runs within my viens. You are the only one Lord who sees beyond my exterior, my smiles, my actions, my comments. You are the only one who sees, who doesn't get the half truths, the short version of what's inside. Will I be alone the rest of my life?
Somehow during the course of the last couple of years I had let the lie seep in that I would have to wait until heaven to have fellowship like I did when Michael was alive. As it says in Proverbs 13:12, Hope differed makes the heart sick. My heart had become sick in the pain of Michael dying, in watching my girls suffer and endure life without their Dad. In January I started really allowing people into our lives. Yes, this can be scary because people are imperfect and can hurt you but what can be gained is of immeasurable value. The process of letting people into our crazy little worlds is messy, brings up issues and is hardly ever comfortable. Proverbs 27:17 says "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" and it hurts to be sharpened. So often I have felt comfortable "loving" people from an arms length. I'm fine with helping them but if they want to come into our world that's another story. My flesh screams to pull back, run away and not give in. When I've stopped people from coming into our lives in essence I am stopping God, putting limits on how he can work. I have been continually humbled lately by this concept, I can not fully give if I can not fully receive and vice versa. Now thank Him for his patience with me, his faithfulness while I scramble around trying to make sense of things instead of resting and trusting His provision. So often I have been more concerned with protecting our hearts instead of trusting our hearts to Him. More concerned with protecting myself instead of stepping into the light and allowing God to build true fellowship with the people in our lives.
Yesterday I would have been married nine years. "Would have" those words seem to echo as I write. People say to move into your pain, not to resist. How can I resist what runs within my viens. You are the only one Lord who sees beyond my exterior, my smiles, my actions, my comments. You are the only one who sees, who doesn't get the half truths, the short version of what's inside. Will I be alone the rest of my life?
Somehow during the course of the last couple of years I had let the lie seep in that I would have to wait until heaven to have fellowship like I did when Michael was alive. As it says in Proverbs 13:12, Hope differed makes the heart sick. My heart had become sick in the pain of Michael dying, in watching my girls suffer and endure life without their Dad. In January I started really allowing people into our lives. Yes, this can be scary because people are imperfect and can hurt you but what can be gained is of immeasurable value. The process of letting people into our crazy little worlds is messy, brings up issues and is hardly ever comfortable. Proverbs 27:17 says "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" and it hurts to be sharpened. So often I have felt comfortable "loving" people from an arms length. I'm fine with helping them but if they want to come into our world that's another story. My flesh screams to pull back, run away and not give in. When I've stopped people from coming into our lives in essence I am stopping God, putting limits on how he can work. I have been continually humbled lately by this concept, I can not fully give if I can not fully receive and vice versa. Now thank Him for his patience with me, his faithfulness while I scramble around trying to make sense of things instead of resting and trusting His provision. So often I have been more concerned with protecting our hearts instead of trusting our hearts to Him. More concerned with protecting myself instead of stepping into the light and allowing God to build true fellowship with the people in our lives.
Jesus came to give life, the abundant life. No one is meant to be alone. There is hope, there is love and I have faith. Through His mercy unimaginable good will be accomplished and beauty is and will continue to come from the ashes. When we walk within God's love, we can not help but love others.
To my brothers and sisters in Christ: thank you for listening to me spill out my heart, for letting me get tears and snot all over you while I've cried, for standing beside me as I've mothered my precious girls. Thank you for cheering me on and speaking life into my being. Thank you for hoping when I could not, crying when my tears had run out, embracing me this redeemed mess and casting vision into our suffering. Thank you for your prayers, and for your practical help. I have passed from death to life because of love. (1 John 3:14)
